Before coming to the Discipleship Program, I had never been away from home without my family for more than a weekend. I wasn’t expecting what hit me. Sure, I had heard about homesickness before, I didn’t think that it was an actual sickness. But it can be, now speaking from experience.

Why would I go through this physical, not to mention huge emotional turmoil and not run back home where I so desperately wanted to be? That seriously made me think about why I am here.

Jesus. That one word explains a lot. He called me here, I now believe that without one doubt. I had a lot of doubt in my homesickness. If God really wanted me to be here, why was I going through this pain? Wasn’t I stronger than this, more ready? In those sleepless nights I found Jesus in a new way. He was my source of peace and in prayer I found solace. I questioned whether I really had put Him first in my life before. When so much of my surroundings and circumstances are different, I realize what I am really depending on, and where my heart’s allegiance lies.

I am here at the Discipleship Program because I want to know Jesus more. I want to serve Him with everything. I want Him to be my everything. To live a life of laying everything down, that includes laying down my home, my family and my comfort. Everything is a strong word.

Now that I have come to that conclusion, does it all become easy and those troublesome nerves and emotions go away? No, not at all. But I have something to cling to – my Saviour. He is my Rock in the raging sea and Living Water in the empty desert. Feelings are not what should dictate our lives. If I let my emotions rule me, my life will crash pretty quickly. I need Jesus to rule my heart to have peace.

There is another aspect to this. Life is not simply about me and Jesus. Community is very key. Learning to trust my housemates and be close with people other than my family was and still is a point in need of growth for me. I don’t need to put up a false front to those around me. That’s not going to help me at all; in fact, it will hurt me. Community is not about the number of people around me, but about building and maintaining relationships. Sharing pain inside of us with others does not always cause it to disappear, but it is easier to bear. God gave us each other for a reason!

Though it has taken me a while to come to this place, looking back, I wouldn’t have changed one thing in my past few months. The pain and disappointment that I felt in myself, were beneficial in teaching me a lesson. I am not self-sufficient; I am very much in need of the Lord’s grace and the love of my siblings in Christ around me.

~ Disciple of 2019



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